When I was in middle school, I was bullied by a group of three girls. It was the typical bullying you would expect at that age—my hair was weird, my clothes were ugly, I played the clarinet—basically, I was a dork (a moniker I wear proudly today). This went on for a couple of weeks, and then we went on spring break. When we returned, my bullies had forgotten how weird I was, or they no longer cared, and I never had an issue with them again. There’s no part two or interesting development 20 years later; that’s the whole story. I fully recognize that, in terms of bullying, my story is fairly innocuous, and I am lucky for that. I dealt with a couple of weeks of rude remarks and behavior and some embarrassment, but then it stopped. I guess I was lucky that my bullies had the short attention span of middle schoolers.
Stories like mine are not uncommon. Depending on your home environment, you may have been told to just ignore it or that bullying builds character. Many adults today still believe that to some extent. Something akin to, “I was bullied, but it toughened me up a little, and I’m better for it.” But would we feel the same way if our bullies could torment us night and day? If they could disseminate information to the masses with a simple tap, or post embarrassing content that would stay on the internet indefinitely? Would I still be able to say my bullying story was innocuous if my bullies had created private groups with the sole intention of talking about how weird and dorky I was or making me the subject of an unkind meme shared with the whole school? Probably not.
Today, bullying among adolescents no longer stops when the school bell rings. Kids don’t leave the influence of their classmates on school grounds; instead, they are connected everywhere through social media, text messages, live gaming, and other online platforms. While technology certainly makes life easier and provides many benefits, it also adds a new stress level that previous generations didn’t have to contend with.
Cyberbullying is a relatively newer danger to our children* and one that parents and caregivers may not be completely aware of. The Cyberbullying Research Center defines cyberbullying as the “willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.” This behavior can range from false rumors shared in hopes of hurting someone’s reputation, true information or private photos shared without consent, harmful or insulting comments, harassment, ethnic or racial slurs, threats, and group exclusions. Because of where these behaviors occur, cyberbullying may be difficult for parents to spot as it’s happening.
*I want to acknowledge that cyberbullying is not something that only affects our children. Adults can be cyberbullied just as easily; however, for this post, I will focus on the effects of cyberbullying on children and adolescents..
Cyberbullying typically occurs alongside traditional bullying but with greater intensity because it is easier to attack others behind the assumed protection of a screen. This type of behavior goes beyond “kids just being kids” and can involve weeks, months, or even years of harassment and harm. Remember, these behaviors are intended to be harmful. As parents and caregivers, it’s essential to pay attention to both cyberbullying and traditional bullying and how they may be used together.
The most common space for cyberbullying is social media, which is especially concerning since up to 95% of adolescents and teens report using at least one social media platform. This prevalence of social media contributes to about 55% of middle and high school students reporting that they have been cyberbullied at least once in their lives.
As the spaces and opportunities for bullying have expanded, so has the impact on our youth. In the 2000s, the term “cyberbullicide” was coined by cyberbullying researchers Sameer Hinduja and Justin Patchin. Cyberbullicide is used to categorize suicides that are directly or indirectly influenced by cyberbullying.
There are signs that parents and caregivers can watch out for, which may indicate that your child is a potential victim of bullying. These signs include:
- Dread or reluctance to go to school, church, or activities
- Increased anxiety and/or depression
- Feelings of isolation
- Changes in eating and sleeping habits
- Lowered self-esteem
- Loss of interest in hobbies and other activities
- Using alcohol and drugs to cope
- Withdrawing from family and friends
There are also six questions for parents to consider when their child is being bullied in person and/or online to gauge how to respond to the situation accurately. These questions are from the Raise App, a free app created for parents to explore creative ways to balance screen time, confront cyberbullying, navigate inappropriate content, and more:
1. How well does my child know this person?
- This helps to identify the level of closeness between your child and the other person(s) and to understand the situation’s impact on your child.
2. Was the communication intended to hurt?
- Communication between tweens and teens is rarely perfectly mature when handling disagreements, and all kids can be guilty of thoughtless
3. What is the context and history behind the communication?
- Understanding the context around the messages and all parties involved is important. By understanding the context, parents can discuss the actions from both sides, but no child should be the victim of ongoing
4. Was the communication private, semi-public, or public in nature?
- Typically, the more public the communication is, the more hurtful it tends to
5. Has this behavior happened just once, or is it an ongoing, repeated pattern?
- Ongoing and repeated patterns are more likely to be cyberbullying vs. one-time incidents.
6. Are real threats being made, or are there other safety concerns?
- Parents should take any form of harassing threat seriously and, if necessary, contact other parents, school administrators, and/or law enforcement
So what can we, as parents and caregivers, do to help protect our children?
Some good news is that legislation is being written and passed to combat all forms of bullying and bring attention to how serious this issue is. Many schools and children’s programs also recognize this threat and are implementing more policies and safe practices surrounding bullying. However, we as parents still need to be vigilant at home.
Giving our children the space and environment to openly talk about their lives without fear of judgment is the first line of defense in keeping them safe. Children will inevitably make mistakes as they learn to navigate this world, and if they know they can speak up when they make a mistake, they won’t feel the need to hide their mistakes and potentially make them worse. Children’s safety—physical and mental—starts at home.
Knowing how our kids engage online will help us understand where potential bullying may occur. We know that kids talk via text and apps like Snapchat, but there are so many social platforms that our kids can use to connect with others. The potential for cyberbullying exists in just about any app. When you decide that your child is ready to use social media, discuss the family expectations for how they use it.
Talk to your child about the social media platforms they use and how they engage on those platforms. Do they post things of their own? Who are they following? Are they commenting on other people’s content? Are people commenting on their content? These are just a few questions you can ask as a starting point. You can build trust with your child by showing them how you use social media—who you’re following, what content you’re posting, etc.—and then maybe they can finally tell you what ‘skibidi’ means. (Please let me know if you find out the answer; I still don’t know.)
And, of course, there are tools available to parents to help with the monumental task of parenting in a digital age. Device management solutions like OurPact allow parents to spot bullying as it happens and block platforms where bullying may occur. With OurPact’s View feature, you can see screenshots of your child’s device usage and be alerted if any bullying or violent language is used toward or by your child. App Rules allow you to block social media or other apps to protect your child from bullying or simply help set healthy limits on social media usage.
In an ideal world, tools like OurPact wouldn’t be necessary; our children wouldn’t face the risks of cyberbullying, and the technology that allows us so much information and connection to the world wouldn’t have the potential for such detrimental effects. However, the reality is different, and as parents, we play a crucial role in guiding our children safely through it all. Start by having open, honest conversations with your child about their online engagement and the potential dangers of being online. Set clear expectations for how your child should engage online, and empower them to share their experiences and seek help if they encounter issues. By staying informed and engaged in our children’s online lives, we can work together to create a safer environment for them both online and offline.
